Too Scared for Sex

A little more than 20 years ago, Esther Perel was not yet an author or a podcast host. She was definitely not a household name. She was simply a psychotherapist with an observation: Many of her clients were in loving, supportive romantic relationships—and they weren’t having good sex, or any at all. At the time, the prevailing wisdom among psychologists was that a couple’s sex life was a reflection of their bond. Cultivate closeness, the thinking went, and you will feel safe to explore and to shed inhibitions. But Perel kept noticing the opposite: Emotional intimacy and desire seemed often to be at odds.